Consistency...vice or virtue?

Growing up, I always heard people talk about the importance of "consistency" in parenting. People with all different approaches to parenting seemed to sing the praises of this concept. I absorbed this information, and when I became a mother, I believed it was vitally important to "be consistent" in child training. Lately however, I've been thinking long and hard about this term, and asking the question, "Is consistency really one of the greatest virtues of parenting? And if so, what exactly does it mean?"

The other day, a thought struck me like a ton of bricks: If consistent parenting means to punish every single time a child does something wrong, or punish all offenses with the exact same method, then God himself is an inconsistent parent, and there is no room for showing grace or mercy to our children! This simply cannot be right. I think there is much room for danger in trying to administer punishment "consistently." (The only exception to this I can see is in training young toddlers. Since language is not developed yet, it is helpful to use the same consequences for certain offenses, so that they understand "When I do X, Y will occur.") So, should we strive to be consistent with our kids? My recent conclusion: Absolutely! So what do I mean by the term "consistent"? I'd advocate mirroring consistency as we find it in God. He is a reliable, trustworthy, and faithful Father. He does sometimes give harsh consequences for our sins, and yet He is exceedingly gracious and merciful.
On this note, I'd like to post the section of scripture that has most influenced the way I approach parenting:

"The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." Psalm 103:8-14

That last part just blows me away. The natural compassion I have towards my children is the way God has chosen to relate to me, someone who was His enemy. wow. But back to my point. He REMEMBERS that we are dust. He knows we are weak and going to fail repeatedly, and though He has the right to punish us immediately, He is instead long suffering. He gently corrects and redirects His children.  He allows us to repent and try again. And He even goes as far as to send the Redeemer to die as a blood offering for our sins. I can't tell you how often I forget that my children are dust. I get angry and want to punish them when they sin against me.I'm so grateful for a Father who remembers. So now I seek to remember their humanity and my own. I want to be someone who is a consistent person--a mother they can depend on to love them well. Sometimes this means showing compassion and mercy on their human weaknesses and sometimes the most loving thing is a hard consequence or punishment. But in either case, I have forsaken the idea of consistent discipline. The consistency I aspire to is consistency in who I am and how I relate to my children.  



Happy thoughts

My dear sister, who is very wise, pointed out that I might also benefit my children by acknowledging the good I do as a parent, while trying to correct my flaws. And she is right. So I'm going to stop and think about the things I think I do well as a Mother...

• Lately, I've been singing/clapping with them every morning. My mom sent us a kids CD in a music style that all 3 of us love. The first song is called "So glad I'm here" and when I sing it to my boys it is a great reminder to love my days with them.


• For the most part, I am a stable person, whom they can run to and feel safe.


• I ask what they feel and think, because I really want to know.


• I try not to judge their motives when they do things that seem naughty until I have heard and considered their perspective.


• I sit down and play with them--not for a long time, but for a period every day.


• I pray with them and for them each day.


• I prepare a healthy variety of foods for them, and try to make them taste good. :)


• I started letting Sam bake with me while he was still 2. He loves it now.


• I tell them that I love them and praise them often.


• I show them physical affection.


• I usually admit my failures and ask their forgiveness.


• I accept their limitations.


• I strive to train them with the gentlest methods possible, with consistancy.


• I love and respect their daddy, and make sure they see that. (this is UBER important)


• I say yes to things that make me crazy sometimes...like paint, playdough, puddles, etc.


• I don't baby them, but help them learn to be independent and strong.


• I read to them sometimes (this is one I really want to do more often!)


• I lose sleep when they need me.


• I breastfeed, even in spite of difficulty.


• I take little opportunities to teach them about the world.


• I delight in beauty with them.


• I am patient and kind much of the time.


• I put a high value in family and try to make times together fun.


• I create simple traditions to create memories with and for them.

What are some of your greatest strengths as a parent? I'd love to hear about them. Caring for young children can leave you exhausted and brain dead. Unlike jobs in "the real world", you get little praise, acknowledgement or thanks. Some days you just have no idea what you did, or whether or not it meant anything. And there's nobody to hand you a paper with a grade on it! So I think this kind of reflection is pretty much vital. This post has done me some good. :)

4 years of motherhood...the good, the bad and the ugly

My firstborn, Sam, just turned 4! This amazing event has caused me to reflect on how I have changed as a mother in those years since I became one. Please bear with my little rant... :)


Parenting is so much harder than I thought it would be. I have encountered all sorts of challenges that I just never expected. I consider myself a fairly patient, loving person, and so I just assumed being a mother would come naturally to me. I suppose in some ways it does. But what I failed to realize is that parents have to make tons of decisions each day, and decision making is extraordinarily difficult for me. My thought processes are slow and meticulous, and when you have young children, you often need to be able to think fast. This is endlessly frustrating to me. I have had to let go of so many things in order to focus my mind on parenting well. And when I try to do too much, my kids suffer greatly. In my frail humanity, I ignore them or get snappy with them whenever I try to do anything (cook, clean, type, etc)while they are awake.

I never realized how lonely parenting could be. I learned this when Sam was just an infant. He was a very large baby with an even larger personality! I soon discovered that he was energetic and intense in ways few children are. When you have a uniquely challenging relationship with your child, you may feel like nobody understands what you're going through. Eventually, you will probably find other parents who can relate, but there may be times when you are weary, broken hearted, exhausted, confused, and even angry, and you don't know any other mom who truly gets it. There have been many times I have felt this loneliness in the past 4 years. One memory stands out in my mind of trying to sit at a cafe with a friend and her little girl who was the same age as Sam. (They might have been 2?) We both ordered hot chocolate to share with the little ones. My friends child sat calmly and politely sipping her drink. Sam saw me carry ours up, compulsively grabbed it, spilled it everywhere and then threw a screaming fit. It took all my energy(plus help from my friend) to get him out of the cafe. I was so disappointed that I could just not do anything like that with my toddler. Grocery stores, restaurants, malls and pretty much anyplace outside our house was a nightmare. Sure, all moms can relate to having difficulties and frustrations with their kids. But when I would talk to other women about parenting, most of the time I got blank stares, or looks of pity, when I would describe things I was dealing with on a daily basis with Sam. I was also immersed in a community that typically approaches discipline differently than I do, so I felt alone and overwhelmed on that front too. Frequently during the past four years, I have been terrified that I am going completely out on a limb and screwing my kid up. Parenting can be scary, especially when you don't feel that anyone is "in the trenches" with you. Thankfully I did have honest, good moms around me for encouragement. My mom and mother in law often gave me encouragement and praise. And by the time Sam was hitting terrible twos, I did have one friend who was truly on the same page with me on every level. What a blessing she was to me during the difficult 2's and 3's! Those were hard years, but God was faithful throughout.

One thing I have just recently been able to see and confront is that I am a sinner, and it comes out in my parenting. Yes, I have known that all along, but it is so much more clear to me now. When you're young and imagine being a parent, you never think about the fact that you will be ridiculously tired, and that when you are in that weakened state, you are more prone to failure. No matter how hard I strive to be gracious and loving, I fall terribly short. This is why it is so important to me to make an EFFORT to focus on grace and love in my parenting. Because even with my best efforts, my kids will not be loved as they ought to be. I cannot love them as my heavenly Father loves me. I am far too broken. But I have been loved well by God, and so I strive to love them well. Recently I was having a lot of difficulty with Sam again, and I realized that I had a bigger problem than he did. I was exhausted from being up with Truman every night, and so Sam was watching a show while I slept in the morning. This seems innocent enough except that I was OUT of it, and often Sam would try to wake me for a long time. This would result in both of us being frustrated and irritable. I would get mad at him when really I was the one being irresponsible. He's only 4. Of course he was behaving badly by the time he got me up. And of course I was irritable because of his relentless energy while trying to wake up(something that is hard for me even in a serene atmosphere!). The solution? I needed to go to bed earlier and get up before Sam. This has made the world of difference in our lives. I can't believe what a happy, sweet boy I have every morning now that I've stopped blaming and taken responsibility for myself. But the truth is, even with this effort on my part, I still fail my boys! And I am also learning to accept that, and know that God will be the parent to them that I cannot be.

Okay...now that I've tried to be real about my struggles with mothering, let me be real about its blessings too. There is just nothing sweeter to me than the smiles and laughter of my children. Their joy could brighten my darkest day. I cannot remember what I thought the good life was before I had Samuel and Truman. But whatever it was, it was nowhere near this satisfying. Mothering has been harder than I expected, but also far more rewarding. Kids have brought a much needed lighthearted element into our home. Joe and I can be far too serious. :) It is so fun to play trains, build with legos, watch "Charlie and Lola" and dip cookies in milk with Sam! Yes, this is my JOB, and it's fabulous. And as much as I enjoy them now, I anxiously anticipate future days with them. I am so glad I will, Lord willing, get to watch their personalities unfold in the coming years. I can't wait to find out who they become! I already appreciate their delightful, individual personalities, but it will be great to watch them grow into the good men I believe they will be. :)

In closing, I have to say that my mother in law was right. Four is a magical age for little guys. Sam is getting easier all the time. And Truman is just the chillest of babies. Our little family is at a really lovely place! I know it will get harder again, but for now, I'll breath a sigh of relief, smile, and hug my sweet babies, knowing that in a blink they'll be bending down to hug their mama!

Trials in mothering

I read several parenting books this summer. I found them all helpful, but especially this one: http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Perceptive/dp/0060923288 Instead of telling me how to raise a generic child, this enabled me to actually UNDERSTAND myself and my child, and parent him accordingly. I highly recommend it!

Sadly though, it's just really difficult to be a good parent. And it's tremendously challenging to be a good, gentle parent. It's not easy to love someone who hurts and angers you, and your child can do this in a way few others can. When I read the book I just recommended to you, it altered my parenting, and Sam's behavior improved dramatically! Until this week. This week, Sam discovered true temper tantrums. He's always had fits when he was overstimulated, but these are entirely different. In my panic, frustration, and exhaustion, I have been anything but gentle. I have been an angry, inconsistent, and harsh parent. My sinful responses to Sam have caused us both much grief.

Last night, I was at my breaking point. I called my mother in law, begging for advice. I'm so thankful for her gentle reminders. She raised 4 boys, and thus endured 4 years of "terrible two's"! She gave me a few ideas of things I could try. But most importantly, she reminded me (once again) that he is a little person. And as such, a sinner in need of grace, just like his mama. This conversation made me realize that when Sam's behavior is getting worse, he needs me to 1) show him lots of tenderness and grace wherever possible and 2) be faithful to punish him consistently for real wrongs. My mother in law also told me that I was a great mom. I didn't feel deserving of her praise, but I was a whole lot happier and more motivated this morning. And so far Sam is responding beautifully to these changes. I think her example of "gentle parenting" toward ME (constructive criticism accompanied by kind words of affirmation) really drove the point home. The human heart craves gentle parenting. It did mine a world of good! I'll keep striving to be this kind of parent for Sam...

Comforting

Last night, I was quite discouraged about being a mother. I was weary of it's relentlessness...I was exhausted from the sleep deprivation (who would have thought this would go on for 2 yrs?)...In my minds eye, I was a failure as a mother because I forget to ask God for His help, because I often feel like I have no idea what I'm doing, because I'm so impatient with Sam...In that moment, every mom I know seemed like June Cleaver, except me. I knew my feelings were exaggerated, but I was still overwhelmed with sadness and frustration.

I woke up this morning to a beautiful spring day, which made me feel a little more hopeful. But still I struggled with feeling inept. And as I was checking my email, I glanced over at Sam and observed this little scene:

Sam had gone and picked up his baby doll (we got it some time ago, but he rarely plays with it) and began to feed it a bottle. I wish I had a video clip to show you how tender and nurturing this rough and tumble little guy was towards this doll! You can see in the first two photos how carefully he is positioning the baby in order to give him a bottle. As he was playing with the doll, he was asking if he was hungry and offering him a bottle, and referred to the baby as "Sam". I was encouraged by this scene because it made me realize, I have done some things well! I felt, for a moment, like I could see myself as Sam sees me. In the day to day, yes, I have moments of failure and weakness. But overall, I'm a mother who faithfully loves her son. More importantly, I realized that God is gracious in spite of my failures. Who Sam becomes can be affected by my parenting, but it does not depend on my parenting. I'm so glad that at the end of the day, God is the perfect parent that I cannot be. May both my strengths and my weaknesses teach Samuel seek his Father in heaven! And as for me, I will seek His help more often in raising this child. I NEED it!

back to natur...al.

I've been lazy and have gotten away from posts which have anything to do with being "green"! Sadly, in the rush of life, I've forgotten to be earth-conscious much of the time. But whenever we let go of something, it's because we've chosen to invest our time in something else we deem more valuable. My "treasure" has been my son. Since I've had to work in recent months, all my extra energy has gone to striving to love/train him well. And really, part of the work of caring for the earth is raising children who are conscious. So here's my question for the day: How can we raise a "green" generation? I'd love to hear your thoughts or practical ideas!



I love the term I just used--"conscious." If you've seen the movie Wall-E you know about its depiction of the human race (many years in the future) as fat, helpless, blind followers of what they are told. Now that is an extreme picture, but if we allow ourselves to grow lazy, we are heading in that direction. I want to raise Sam to be conscious... of His God and eternal things....of the beauty and the chaos that exists in the world...of the needs and emotions of all those around him. I think it is in this context that he will care about preserving the earth in the right way. I hope he will do his part not only to stop destroying the world, but to help bring it(and its inhabitants) healing and to truly enjoy its beauty. It seems to me that focusing merely on avoiding plastic might keep us breathing longer, but it will not help us feel the wind caressing our faces or smell the sweet summer honeysuckle. And it will certainly not yield the joy of giving food, shelter, medical care, and the gospel of Christ to an orphan. So though I will continue to live in a "green" way, and hope Sam will learn from this example, it is not my focus in educating him. I will teach him by exploring the outdoors, and pausing to study the ants. And when he gets in conflicts with his little friends, I will talk with him about his emotions and then ask him to think about the pain he has caused his friend whom he loves. And throwing food on the floor is a problem, not just because it's gross and wasteful, but because it's ungrateful for generousity of God's provision. (If we don't need/want something we have, we should give it to someone who does. Recycle!) And I'll tell him that though mama would enjoy some new shoes, she won't buy them until her old ones fall apart, so that she can help those that have real needs, not just American ones! ;) And then, (here's the most important part) I actually have to live this way. I need a lot of prayer. :)